Ridiculous Picks to Amuse Everyone
Posted by Brendan Jackson on Apr 17, 2010
Spring is in the air which means three things: fans are slowly remembering how long baseball games take to finish, playoff hockey is having everyone on the edge of their seats, and playoff basketball is FINALLY here. Fans have waded waited patiently through 82 games to get to this point and everyone is ready to get this party started (well, except for maybe Portland fans. I bet they wouldn’t mind an extra two weeks off before the playoffs start).
Yesterday, Zach and Brian got the ball rolling by providing some pretty solid picks accompanied by some equally solid rationale. Due to a busy day at the office, I was unable to make my picks and predictions along with the other guys. This has probably turned out for the best because what you are about to read is rife with optimism, homerism, and hilariously outrageous situations. Hopefully, it’ll make you laugh and at the very least- cry?
Let’s start where the startin’s good:
Series: Celtics vs. Heat
Result: Celtics in Six
It was almost universally accepted that the Celtics would have rather faced a Bogut-less Bucks team in the first round, however at the end of the day it won’t matter. The Heat have Wade but a banged up Jermaine O’Neal and an inconsistent Michael Beasley will make this series done in six games. There is no doubt Wade will bring it every night and Haslem will consistently knock down that mid-range jumper, but Quentin Richardson will not shoot lights out every game and there is a 99% chance that Beasley will think he is Reggie Miller for four games. Beasley has yet to prove that he can consistently knock down to outside shot but it’s impossible to tell him anything different.
Miami will get two games, but ultimately, they do not have pieces in place to get past the C’s.
Series: Cavaliers vs. Bulls
Result: Cleveland in Six
There is no way the Bulls win this series, but there is a 100% chance that Derrick Rose dominates and embarrasses Mo Williams. Not only has Derrick Rose proven he is a star in this league, he is also HOT right now. I expect the Bulls to put it all on the line in this series. To them, winning this series is equal to winning a Championship. Best Storyline: Joakim Noah versus Anderson Varejao in a battle for best hustler and worst hair. When it is all said and done, it is equally likely that fistfight and an awkwardly prolonged hug will occur between these two.
Series Hawks vs. Bucks
Result: Atlanta in Five
Any team can steal a game. Unfortunately for Bucks fans, that is all Milwaukee can hope for. It would be amazing to see Brandon Jennings go off, see Jerry Stackhouse come back from the dead, and Ersan Ilyasova and Carlos Delfino just start raining threes on the superior Hawks team- it just has zero chance of happening.
Series: Magic vs. Bobcats
Result: Orlando in Four
Despite possibly being the biggest headcase in the NBA, I love Stephen Jackson’s game. I think he will dominate the Magic- but he’ll be the only one. The Magic will just be too much to handle for the Bobs’. This series, however, will be a blessing in disguise for the rest of the Eastern Conference. Vince Carter will show up for this series because Charlotte is clearly the inferior team. After sweeping the Bobcats, Carter will be lulled into a false sense of “hey, I can do this” and proceed to lay four eggs against the Hawks.
Series: Lakers vs. Thunder
Result: Thunder in Seven
Russell Westbrook is going to DOMINATE the Lakers’ point guards, ultimately resulting in Kobe Bryant having to D him up. This means Bryant is going to have to work on both ends of the floor, dealing with Westbrook on D and Thabo Sefelosha on O. Pau Gasol is notably better than Jeff Green, but Green has been knocking down outside shots which will open the floor and allow Kevin Durant go to work. Nenad Krstic will drag a hobbled Andrew Bynum out of the paint with the threat of the mid-range game and Nick Collison will use six fouls to rough him up. Ultimately, the Phil Jackson mind game will backfire and Durant gets to the line 15 times a game and misses ONE free throw the entire series.
Series: Nuggets vs. Jazz
Result: Jazz in Seven
The battle of whose power forward is less injured. I have to take Carlos Boozer here. Not only is Boozer a tank, but the Jazz also have Deron Williams and an assortment of wing players to combat Carmelo Anthony and J.R. Smith. Mehmet Okur will use his long range shot to bring Nene out of the paint, allowing Williams to go to work. Not having Andrei Kirilenko hurts, but they haven’t had him for a lot of the season. They have found ways to adapt and that will continue.
Series: Suns vs. Blazers
Result: Suns in Four
No Roy, no chance. Jared Dudley and Grant Hill will ultimately have to make up for Nash’s defensive shortcomings. Andre Miller will initially get his points, but the easy defensive switch midway through game one will make all the difference. Amar’e Stoudemire and LaMarcus Aldridge will engage in a Wild West shootout, but the Suns ultimately will be too hot to handle (oh maaaan, so many bad puns….).
Series: Spurs vs. Mavericks
Result: Mavs in Six
It’s a tragedy that the Spurs are the seventh seed and have to take on the Mavericks in the first round. Equally as tragic is that they are going down in six. Manu Ginobli is going off for at least three games, but unfortunately for the Spurs, Jason Terry will also go off for two of those games. The rest of their respective players will take care of rest.
Overall Predictions
If Ric Bucher thinks the Celtics get past the Cavaliers, why would they stop there. I am going to go one giant homerish leap step further and say that the Celtics make the Finals. If the Celtics make the Finals, everyone knows they are not going home empty-handed. Vince Carter WILL revert back to his ineffective, playoff-inept self, Dwight Howard will be neutralized (and by neutralized I mean Kendrick Perkins limits him to 18 and 10), and the Celtics gut-out a seven game series. Should the Celtics get to the Eastern Conference Finals, get passed Cleveland, is getting passed the Magic really all that far-fetched?
Once the Celtics get to the Finals, all they will have to do is get passed the Mavericks. Easier said than done, but isn’t everything? (Unless you have a speech impediment. I used to whistle my S’s). The Celtics will beat the Mavericks and six games. The day after the series is over, I get to call up my friend Jason from Plano, Texas and start talking about something completely unrelated to the Finals. Then when he begrudgingly brings the series up, I get to pretend not to realize our geographical implications before launching into a ceremoniously “neh neh neh neh neh neh” complete with my tongue sticking out. He won’t be able to actually see it, but he’ll know. Oh he’ll know. This is all assuming he picks up my call, which he most assuredly won’t.
Enjoy the playoffs ya’ll! I know I will!
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